I remember being on Tumblr and catching on pretty quickly that a) bisexuality wasn't transphobic bc the bi didn't stand for the two genders, but for any two of the genders, and b) bisexuality doesn't need to be backed up by having dated a specific variety of genders.

That said, I've been steadily distancing myself from calling myself bi in open spaces. Part of that is that I don't rely on the tumblr queer community for companionship as much as I did as a teenager. Another part of it is this rejection I perceive from other queer spaces toward bisexual people dating "straight". Jokes about bisexual women and their male partners, for example. Why would I openly identify as bi, when it feels like inviting scrutiny onto my dating history and the lack of women and/or enbies?

I have this one friend that validates me sm (ilyyy). They invited me to take part in a queer event, and I felt so flattered to be considered queer enough to take part. This feeling unlocked a simmering resentment against the idea that I'm not bi enough--because, ok, let's talk about being bi enough.

How is it my fault I was too shy to approach people when I was younger? Sorry no girls approached me? Sorry I felt unattractive and couldn't approach anyone because of it? I remember being a single young adult and wanting so badly to connect and be emotionally intimate w people. I would've loved to date girls, enbies and/or men.

I have since settled with my first ever partner, a wonderful cis-man, with whom I'm building a life. Would it have been more bi-aligned to settle down with a girl? What an arbitrary notion of bisexuality. (Tbf, the way we define sexual orientation is already p arbitrary outside of societal contexts. But ig that's the point of words.) Even as happy as I am with my partner, there's a bitterness at having lost all that time being single instead of dating around and connecting with people.

All of that, in addition to family not being all-the-way okay with queer stuff, makes it so I'm pretty private about my sexual orientation.

I know there's things I could do, if I wanna date women or enbies that badly. I'm very happy with my boyfriend, so breaking things in any way is out. but if he's on-board, then something consensual-all-around at a party maybe? But it really feels like I'm entering a stage of life where I want more time in between late night parties. How do you even go about making out with strangers in a club? It feels kind of silly to be considering this--especially because part of me still feels undesirable to strangers.

Anyway, I love and cherish my partner. I wanna say it, because I would hate this post to give the wrong impression. i loooove my partner. Entwining our lives together has been a sweet and gentle labour of love. We're going for all of it: marriage, babies, picket fence and all <3